hello journal,

how are you? been missing me. no didn't think so.

well party people this is me, i'm in melbourne the land of the lovely neighbours and you really can't get away from them. excellent if u ask me.
well there really is no point, in updating on all my travelling adventures cos there's just to many and no doubt u can't be assed to read a load of 'i did this, followed by this blah blah blah' and i sure as hell can't be assed to write about it but needless to say south america was awesome, much fun was had, much alcohol drunk, much fine food+wine consumed. all good. the old new zealand was far from bad an all, apart from the nasty shock of getting back to the prices of the western world. met up with my mate si from work in auckland and that was fun, we hit the beers seriously hard and one of the many highlights of the evening included not being able to find a pub so wondering into a gambling place, getting 2 pints, putting 10bucks into a machine with flashy lights, hitting buttons randomly for 10mins and emerging a bit more drunk with $40 in our back pocket (i should at this stage make it clear that we split the money, $20 each, we weren't sharing trousers).

new had some awesome scenery and milford sound was easily the bestest place, took the ultimate of all road trips out there with 4friends, the team was Chris,Rosie,Alex,Ben and Steve, together we were team CRABS. nice. we passed the time when the radio went out of range by playing several games of guess who, highlights of featured characters included:

-jesus
-the holy ghost
-free willy
-dolly the sheep
-tony yaboa
-pam (the name behind some of new zealands finest food stuffs)

oh and the stunning scenery and huge fuck off pod of dolphins that came to join our boat were nice as well.

we played the ultimate game of crazy golf in queenstown. this was one of the greatest things i have ever done. that is all.

flew into cairns from christchurch, met up with one of Si's mates jimmy the following day which was cool and we went snorkelling on the great barrier reef a couple of days later where i bumped into tara, a girl who i spent a morning at gemma's house curled up in our hosts quilts whist they were at work watching saturday morning tv. very nice, tis a small world. snorkelling was pretty damn cool as well but i think i prefered it in brasil just cos u got to see 4foot long gold fish. seriously gold fish, but 4foot long!! we just don't get the right gold fish food in england obviously.
due to cairns being a tiny tourst town i decided to head down to melbourne a couple of days later and jumped on a plane for my 14th take off in less than 4months and after a week in melbourne i'm moving into a flat(shack) today which should be cool, and starting a shitty sales job on monday which won't be cool but since i'm on a budget tighter than micheal jacksons nose passage it has to be til i find something else. anyway people i've got an estate agent to meet so i best be off really. keep it real people, couldn't say when i'll be home, money is the deciding factor so who knows?! i certainly don't but rest assured it will be sometime between september and the next ice age.

so long

R.I.P John Peel - Legend.

Date:	2004-10-06 23:14
Subject:	all in just 24 hours?
Security:	Public
Mood:	restless

so, today:

woke up next to someone thats beginning to mean so much to me;

left her house at an obscenly early hour to avoid the discomfort of facing her family like last time;

wondered around town in a daze taking in the idea of how early other people are alive and active and sat semi-awake in costa reading the paper over hot chocolate;

after going home + showering etc head to b'ham on the train;

spend exactly £1906.80 on flights, travel insurence and tour of south america;

realise going away is very real;

meet nikki, so good to see her, have great conversations and catching up, probably the first time talking about her + bloke without getting arsey (due to the fact i've got my own romantic drama going down i do think). love her so much and i'm reminded of this every second i spend with her;

catch train home then wonder home via the armoury to break up the walk and subconsciously have the intention of seeing the girl who i know is working in about 90mins;

stay and get drunk for free over 4 or 5 hours. bad idea. so wierd and potentially emotionally crippling to be with the girl you woke up with but not 'be with' her. hmmmmmmmmmmm, i think too much.

day off again tomorrow, thats good.

my 20th birthday is day 35.

DAYS 33 - 39, Heading north we visit the incredible Torres del Paine National Park so named after its massive granite towers. The scenery is simply stunning with snow-capped peaks, glaciers, beautiful lakes and valleys. The park is also home to an interesting array of native flora and fauna such as Andean condors, guanacos (a relative of the llama) and rhea (a type of emu). You have plenty of time to trek the main trails in the park to see the famous Torres (towers) and both the Francés and Grey Glaciers. You will also have the chance to travel by ferry across Lake Pehoé to wonder at this unbelievable panorama.

Date:	2004-08-24 23:37
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	six feet under on tv

so..........
i'm going around the world in january.
50% because i want to
50% because i need to.

had a really lovely evening, met katerina about 10 in the boathouse and although it wasn't long it was just a really nice conversation and well she's lovely. obviously i REALLY like her but its different because i actually just love spending time with her. so thats really nice. particularly considering my emotional status concerning loved ones at the moment. was just what i needed.

reserve flights on thursday, rio on 15th of jan i think. oh good god its actually real. sooooooo excited!

oh arse.

Date:	2004-03-17 00:10
Subject:	because i know you're dying to hear what i've been upto
Security:	Public
Mood:	content
Music:	football ont tut tv

so sunday was my birthday, an event which i've never had so much apathy for in my life. i just didn't give a shit. but it was alright anyway, was supposed to be workin 12-6 but finished at about 3 cos it wasn't too busy, and i got a card complete with £50 inside fomr work so that was all good, i had to hang around til 5ish anyway cos i needed to speak to kat (we all remember kat don't we kids?) so ram came to see me and we had a few drinks then went home for a bit then back out for an extremely non extreme night out. but good fun all the same as always. had a day off work yesterday for a change so pubbed for lunch + pool during the day then went to frank with kat for a couple of cocktails and our usual deep and meaningful conversations. was nice, as BT have informed us in years gone by "its good to talk". today i worked lots, but had between 5 and 7 off so since i was covering kats shift in the evening i figured the least she could do was entertain me while i was off work so i went to see her and we decided to go to hers for drink+drugs. oh the joys. reunited with such a good friend. beautiful. but potentially a bad idea just before you work, rang them to say i'd be about 30mins late and i wasn't much more than that in the end so it was all good.
the len rang me on monday morning which was lovely, even though i was painfully tired and probably making very little sense it twas lovely to hear from her and the sof, so very long til she comes back which is sad. but people are gettin their asses back uni over the next couple of weeks so thats all good. anyhoo, best be off- working a split again, will see the doors opening and shutting, long day people- long day


apologies for dullness of entry

yesterday was epic.
this entry is just gonna be a yesterday i........ but it was an interesting day in so many ways
soooooooooooooo extreme its hard to know where to begin but i think the start would probably be the best place. sunday night was really quite at work but it was just me+kat on the bar so that was all good, after on saturday night we managed to get slightly drunken whilst capitalising on the free alcohol one gets from working in a pub we decided we'd be quite good at excessively drinking so this is what we decided we would do. with her being drop dead gorgeous and generally fab i decided a new outfit was in order and i needed to spend some money so purchased items included:

- some fabulous brown converse all stars
- another pair of cool levi's
- nice diesel t-shirt from selfriges (where it should be noted they do not sell fridges)
- cheap jacket that will make do for now
- franz ferdinand album and no doubt singles album

feckin trains pissed me off as usual resulting in me bein in such a rush to get home from the station, changed and back out to meet kat at the armoury to begin the evening with free alcohol. my good god we got drunk.
best place we went was frank, its so cool in there and the cocktails are awesome, anyone who goes out with me in the future will be treated to a visit there i feel.
and then the morning........... fully clothed (minus shoes thankfully) awaking to find:

- bin next to bed with much sick within, i am amazed i got it in the bin- i have no recollection of this event.
- sheets also slightly vomit soaked, must have spewed in my sleep which can't be a good thing
- nasty grazes on hand+shoulder and graze coupled with nasty bump on head. my head really hurts.
- scary snippits of memories including me standing on a car, possibly the roof, possibly just the bonnet. oh.dear.

man she's awesome, damn it.

falling....

falling..........

fallen.

anyhoo.......... i'm sure that wasn't particularly interesting for anyone reading this but ya well, what u gonna do about it eh?

Date:	2004-01-13 22:27
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	sad
Music:	top gear

such a crap day, epic crappy McCrap styley day.

told the rents that i wanted to quit uni. the obvious 'are you sure?', 'so what else will you do?' questions arrived thick and fast as anticipated but in my warped little mind i kind of hoped for a concluding 'well you do whats best for' or 'if you're not happy then you should make a change' or even 'of course we'll support any decison you make' but these or any similar comments were not recieved. Didn't think I'd be so bothered but the way they reacted to the thought of them not completing the hat-trick of academic university graduates as smoothly as possible really pissed me off and made me feel yay *holds hand a few inches from the floor* high.

damn.

fuck it.

feel so fucking crap.

Date:	2004-01-11 21:16
Subject:	look........... just feck off!
Security:	Public
Mood:	pissed off
Music:	batman returns

Guess you can tell that it's been a shitty day when the highlight was without doubt andy fordham becoming world darts champion (not to suggest that this wasn't a fantastic event).

SHIT!! I desperately need to sort my life out but I haven't got a fucking clue what I need to do to do this.

crap crap crap crap.

hmmmmmmmm within a week I have to have made a definate decision, and should this be the decision i'm leaning towards at the moment then convincing the rents and the tutor that this is indeed a good decision will be equally as difficult and making the decision itself. OH FUCK.

Date:	2004-01-04 00:42
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	confused

life is way too much to cope with at the mo.
answers to steve's problems on the back on a postcard please.

have just returned from leeds where the weekend was spent with the one and only Miss Martin which irritatingly ended with a train nighmare but hey ho, i did somewhat randomly bump into tom at the station; tom used to live on my corridor but had to leave just a few weeks into term which sucked ass severely. tom was the bloke on my corridor that thought i would get on bestest with but alas it does seem that i am merely a toy of the gods thus he was taken away from sheffield!grrrrrr!

life seems to be a bit like hard work at the moment, very confussing hard work. everything that i want out of life seems to be directly contradicted by something else that i want just as much. i don't know what to do to make me happier, this is without doubt the truely frustrating part. i need to make several decisions which seem very very difficult, feels like i need to put the world on pause. by doing nothing i'm effectively making the decision to keep things as they are, which seems stupid because i'm not happy-i just have to hope that things will get better, but there's nothing to suggest that it will.

i'm determined not to change who i am just to please others but at the moment i really don't know who i am. qualities that i thought i had seem to have disappeared since i left home and likewise qualities i never thought were part of me, the type that define people i hate seem to have sprung up as part of me. it sucks because everytime i have a good time, like this weekend its tainted cos i hate the fact that all the fun i have is when i get away from where i should be having 'the time of my life'. I start to think that it must be something to do with me, the time, the place, the people aren't stopping what seems like everybody else having a great time, so what does a boy have to do to make himself happier? keep thinking that someone will tell me what to do, seems like that isn't gonna happen now. oh dear.

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

steve must start enjoying the good times and stop worrying so much.
for instance for the last two morning the first thing he has seen when he wakes up has been a very pretty lady that he cares a great deal about, he got to eat cookies and love hearts for breakfast as he stayed in bed til 4pm and watched a film with afore mentioned pretty lady. steve should start appreciating these moments for the magical things that they are. i hate myself for not enjoying life when i have such amazing people in my life that care about me.

steve must also stop refering to himself in the 3rd person!! for it will start to scare people, imagine if u will start walking into burger king and ordering 'steve would like a bacon double cheeseburger meal, he would like coke with that, steve would also like student discount' its gonna scare many more than it attracts!!

i often wonder why i write things on this, i mean i'd like to think that i wasn't doing it just because i want sympathy or just to vent my feelings at others but maybe i do. think maybe i just like the idea that people reading it are doing so because they are interested in me and how i'm feeling. They take time out of their life to find out about mine. that's a nice thing to think.

i seem unsure about almost everything, this is horrible.

hmmmmmmmm just read this through and don't worry people i'm not quite as depressed as i sound on this i promise.

just turned on itv, steps were on, swiftly followed by hear'say. this must be like the best day of my life
ever.

Note to others: watching snooker in black+white is very difficult,

Commentator: Hendry will probably go for the brown from here
Steve's Thoughts: Shit right, the brown, thats usually between the green and yellow, ok, shit, which one's the green.

Date:	2003-11-29 20:43
Subject:	*yawn*
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	Radiohead - No Surprises

its like 8.45 and i can barely keep my eyes open, this is very worrying since i only got up about 1, and the strenuous activities of my day can very briefly be summed up in........... went to the post office- shut, got acosted by a woman doing a comsumer research survey thingy and she paid me £2 to do it! £2 for 10mins work thats great! so i bought some cookies with the profits, then home. fin. that was gripping reading for u all i'm sure.
i really need to get on with some work got one mofo bitch of an essay due in on wednesday and i've only really just started the reading for it, so in conclusion this is a bad thing. though once it is done (you see i'm actually assuming that it will get done, glass half full an all that jazz) i have just 2days before i go to leeds for what will without doubt be a fantabulous night with Miss Martin, very much looking forward to it, then just 2weeks, 2essays and i'll be home for christmas. that my friends will be great, a whole month back where i belong with the bestest people ever. have bought the guardian for the last few days but haven't really had time to read it which is frustrating, as soon i sit down with it i think- i should be reading one of those books piled up by my desk which supposedly have more educational value. grrrrrr!
anyway should get back to it. see you all soon (ish)

Date:	2003-11-23 21:23
Subject:	may as well i suppose
Security:	Public
Mood:	uncomfortable
Music:	tv

ow ow ow ow ow
by the end of this year I will almost definately be crippled because of the fact that my desk/chair combo are sooooooo uncomfortable. but apart from the inevitability that i will spend much of life in excruciating pain, i'm fine thanks for asking.

Uni is goin ok at the mo, though in a week i'm sure i won't think that as the essay deadlines start getting stupidly close! only 4weeks till christmas now which is all very exciting, and in 2 weeks time i shall be making a visit to see my favourite of all the kates to party in leeds with a shrewsbury twist. very much looking forward to it. twill be super i tell thee.

Am still rather worried that i still don't seem to have met anyone that i'd be too bothered if i never saw them again, that sounds so horrible but its true, well not strictly true, met 2 people i thought i'd really get on with but alas one left cos her course was shit and the other for medical reasons. is someone trying to piss me off?!?!!? but anywho i'm hopin that next semester (thats afetr xmas to u non-uni types) with its new modules will bring new people and hopefully that will rock my socks sufficiently!

hmmmmmmmmmmm really must get some work done, must find motivation (i know passing this year should be enough but it just isn't at the mo!) i was determined to do lots today, but alas a lot turned into very little, i made sure i put on shitty old clothes (so i can't go out cos i look stupid- obviously) which meant i haven't gone out but just done anythin to kill as much time as i can, but my time wasting did get me a brief mention on radio1! woo, thank u vicki marsden, thank u!
and washing, must do washing- the theory of only doing it when u have absolutely no clean clothes to construct a complete outfit is not a good one!

anyway i should get off really, bye bye people.

hi-ho party people,
well me being the crazy mentalist student that i am, i've spent the entire day doing a book review, wow, i know- for those of u not yet gone to uni u've got all this to look forward to, just think people!!
went to see hot hot heat/the heat/hhh- h cubed if u will. they rocked far beyond sufficient levels as did franz ferdinand who supported.
got an extremely depressing week of essay writing ahead of me but at the end it will have it's reward of a visit from a certain miss martin on saturday i do believe. yay! followed by a trip to london on monday to stay with lucy (its lots cheaper to go to london via birmingham from sheffield-oh i do love the logic of our rail system). then back to the homeland on tuesday night for a while, so that is all good, hopefully slightly more time will be spent with nikki that isn't either her in a mad rush or practically asleep!!
got a busy busy day ahead of me tomorrow so i best get to bed really but unfortunately i'm really not all that tired, this will no doubt result in me goin to bed too late and then waking up to the alarm at 8 and being very very tired!
see you all soon! woo!

have you ever just needed to put the world on pause and take a few months to figure out what your place on it is before you start it again?

Date:	2003-10-27 13:55
Subject:	home again........where is home now tho?!?!
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	damien rice - blowers daughter

well hello again my friends and those that are randomly reading this-u virtual stalkers u.

don't quite know why i'm updating this beast cos its just gonna be good ole - this weekend i.........

went back to shrewsbury this weekend which was good, friday night was full of many exciting events such as, saying hi to nikki, nikki rushing around, naked nikki!woo!, and saying goodbye to nikki. then i went to see Ram-bo-selecta for a reunion at of cause the boathouse which as expected was all good. then much much sleep was enjoyed, much needed sleep, mmmmmmmmmmmmmmm sleep. anyway i'll back off that issue now.
i was supposd to be go out with ram again on saturday and possibly see bob+alex as well but crap whether and tiredness put me off that and back to my beloved bed!
sunday was of cause started with the rugby then i went to see kat, then went to rams then went to the station to meet my nikki as she got back in a tres tired state from her first experience of student life in lancaster!
was so good to see her even though it wasn't for long and it meant i had to get up at 5.50(thats a.m. people!!) to get the early train home........... over the past few weeks i've developed a severe hatred of trains! anyway i'll end this shitty entry now, before it spirals into some extreme evil pit of crapness.
tarra

- i am also very annoyed with the postal sevice, my mum forwarded a letter almost a week ago and it still hasn't got here- i think its my re-mark for my history a-level so i'd quite like to know really! grrrrr!!

hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm not quite sure why i'm updating this thing cos i don't have anything of interest to say to u all.
feeling slightly shitty at the moment, even somerfields 69p pringles couldn't make me happy.
beginning to think that if i could actually do something productive with my life then i might pack up and go home from this university place, but i don't so i shall stay, i am having fun, i just have a huge lack of motivation when it comes to work and although all the people i've met have been nice they're just not the same as the friends i left a month ago.
going home at the weekend which should be good, might not go back til monday morning in order to possibly have a few extra hours with nikki on sunday night.
when u'r on a high this place is great but when ur low i just need my proper friends around me.
anyway i'll stop bein depressed now and go talk to people and plan some form of beverage comsumption event for this evening, before the hells of monday lectures begin- but after these hells comes fox+duck at happy hour and endless cheap cheap drinks all evening so we can get silly drunk as per usual on a monday night! rock on!
i'm gonna go munch some pringles and moan a bit more than the internet isn't working in any of our rooms so i have to come up to the IT suite grrrrrrrrrr.
see you all soon i hope
tarra

Date:	2003-09-30 11:52
Subject:
Security:	Public
Mood:	tired
Music:	the sounds of typing of poeple in the IT Suite

NOTE TO SHREWSBURY PEOPLE - STEVE WILL BE RETURNING THIS FRIDAY, THAT IS THIS FRIDAY!

steve is tired. an early night is now defined as 'strolling in around 2am'

anyway i must go, meet rosa, go to train station, walk back to union, meet ruth+karl, go to lecture, go home, rest, dinner, rest, go to ruths, chill+computer sorty outness, go home, sleep. that my friedns is the student lifestyle, rock on.